A Dad writes….

As some of you readers may know, I became a Dad on the 13th May this year! From the experience from finding out we were expecting through to the birth it’s been a hell of a ride – all good (in the main). Now that our first is here, I’ve come to realise a few things that no “Dad manual” tells you.

Prior to Griffin coming on the scene, my experience of looking after kids was really from 1yr old upwards. At that age range they are cognitive and able to comprehend. So when they misbehave you explain why we don’t do that, they can (usually) walk and have some degree of independence.

However, a newborn is bereft of these developmental skills and is pretty much at the mercy of what the parents have to offer, with the only communication being largely down to crying – and variations therein.

So with this in mind I have experienced a few things when looking after Griffin in public.

People (predominantly women) who look at you like you don’t have a clue

Let’s face it. Men are different to women in many ways and one of those ways is that we just don’t have the boobage that babies seem to enjoy when you cuddle them. That’s fine. I get that. That doesn’t mean I don’t know what to do in order to pacify a crying child. It’s just a bit harder because they know you’re not their mum and you have nothing on tap to sooth (unless you’re bottle feeding – we’re not at this point). I know I have to try putting him in different positions, that he may have done a doosey in his diaper, that it might be feeding time, he may be uncomfortable or a myriad of other reasons. I am working on it, OK lady? If I look at you like I just shat myself, then I need help.

People (predominantly women) who offer well meaning advice

Following on from the above, I’ve been faced with a situation where Griffin was crying and I was mid-pacification (he was hungry and Rach was tied up with her hair) and a woman said “I know it must be hard for you as you might not know what to do – my husband was also awkward with our first baby”. SERIOUSLY? I might hit you right now. He was quiet for the last 30 minutes prior to you sticking your nose in my beeswax. He’s HUNGRY and I do not posses LACTATING TITS. OK?! (that’ll probably up my hit rate for people searching on those terms ;>). Now if she’d pre-empted this by saying “I know you’ve probably got things under control but…” then I would have been more receptive. As it stood the look she got from me can only be described as “There will be e death in your family”.

People who glare at you when the baby is crying in a public place (e.g. store)

This is split into two groups:

• Women in stores
  You know who you are, you’re the subset of the first group I described, except you don’t give “Awww – poor male who hasn’t a clue”, you have the “Well what did the mother think by letting the child out with the father in the first place?”. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.
• People in general who don’t fall into the first category
  Yeah, I admit I have been one – haven’t we all? I kept my annoyances to planes, trains, buses and certain restaurants.  Babies crying on a transatlantic plane? Invest  in some medical supplies and shut that shit up. Babies crying in McDonalds? What do you expect? It’s just the way it is so suck it up. Rach discussed the possibility of us going to the UK next year. I said unless Griffin demonstrates the ability to hold it together for a long period of time, the furthest flight we’d take is 3-4 hours. The trip to St Louis in the Fall/Autumn should start to prove his mettle.

Dads: If you thought you were going to be in anyway shape or form giving 50% or more input into the first few months of the childs life, you’re either on crack or a single parent. Or both.

I think that says it all. Recognising the maternal instinct and stepping away from any well meaning advice, unless asked for is a good thing. Reading up about baby care, offering suggestions about different ways of doing things without being asked fall into the same category as “Using live grenades as baseballs”. It will not end well and to all intents and purposes, you’re sleeping along tonight. Welcome to a Siberian bed.

But it’s all fun in the end. We have a great little boy who seems to love us both (we both get smiled at in the morning, which is an awesome thing to see), so I try to approach these things with some humour. Writing about them in a blog helps too.